💭 reflections on: what happens when you belong to different cultures

[00:00:05] Hello and welcome back to the Inbetweenish pod, a place where we talk about growing up in between countries, cultures, ethnicities and faiths.

[00:00:14] I'm your host Beatriz Moore and I aim to create a safe space for the already confused, to discuss complicated emotions around home and belonging.

[00:00:25] Before we dive into this minisode, I just want to share that The Inbetweenish Newsletter, the quest, is out in the world.

[00:00:30] It's all about the crossroads of multiple belongings and exploring the question of what is your ish as in betweenish.

[00:00:38] I'll tell you more about it in a little bit, but if you're interested, you'll find a link to subscribe in the show notes below.

[00:00:46] Today's minisode kind of builds upon what we were talking about in the last minisode, what is culture?

[00:00:51] At the very end of that episode, I left you with a plot twist, what happens when you belong to different cultures at once?

[00:00:58] If you haven't listened to that previous minisode, what is culture? I highly recommend you go give that a quick listen. It's just a quick 20 minute episode.

[00:01:08] Last time we discussed what is culture by using the iceberg analogy to illustrate the visible and invisible layers of culture.

[00:01:15] It's filled with examples and I think it might help illustrate some of the points I will be discussing in today's episode.

[00:01:23] A quick disclaimer before I start, I am by no means an expert on any of these issues.

[00:01:28] These are just based on my observations and personal experiences and conversations I've had with those around me, both guests on the podcast as well as just, you know, friends, people in my life.

[00:01:39] So what I say here today may not necessarily reflect your own experience because we're all different.

[00:01:46] As someone of multiple belongings, I can honestly say that it's both a blessing and a curse.

[00:01:51] There are internal and external battles that are constantly going on whether this really happens on a conscious level or not, sometimes we're not even aware that these are related to cultural issues.

[00:02:02] And today I wanted to shed light on some of these issues, some of these blessings and some of these curses of what happens basically when you belong to different cultures simultaneously.

[00:02:15] I'm going to start off with some of the difficulties that comes with being a cross cultural in between a person.

[00:02:23] And one of the first things that you deal with when you are a cross cultural is judgment from other people.

[00:02:30] People love boxes, we love to put things into boxes and categorize things and it's human nature actually we've developed and evolved to be able to do that.

[00:02:40] But when you are in betweenish when you've existed and belonged and belong currently to different cultures, you don't really fit neatly into a box.

[00:02:50] Perhaps you're quite familiar with this phrase when you introduce yourself to someone.

[00:02:55] Oh, but you don't look like you're from insert, country, ethnicity, religion, whatever it may be.

[00:03:02] Most of the time that comes from you not fitting in with the stereotypical image that this particular person has of that culture.

[00:03:12] For me, it really comes from a narrow understanding of that culture.

[00:03:15] And I mean, personally, I don't think it's a malicious statement. I know a lot of people get offended, but I think it just demonstrates that that person hasn't interacted with many people from this culture.

[00:03:26] Maybe they know one or two people from that culture, but one person is not really representative of an entire society.

[00:03:32] However, this question or statement rather does offend quite a few people.

[00:03:37] Personally, what I find offensive is when people try to delegitimize your belonging because they don't buy it, that you're from this place.

[00:03:47] Or for some reason, like they just can't drop their minds around it.

[00:03:51] Sometimes people ask certain questions and the intent behind it is to kind of poke holes at your belonging.

[00:04:00] So for example, some people may ask, well, how come you speak this language in this way?

[00:04:05] How come you don't speak your mother tongue fluently? Or how come you've only lived in this country for a couple of years? How can you say you're from there?

[00:04:15] Well, the thing is when you are in between it, she belongs to different cultures. But you might not have experienced all your cultures fully because you were soaking up other cultures as well in your formative years.

[00:04:26] And you yourself might struggle with this. You might have certain gaps in your knowledge when it comes to a certain culture that you belong to.

[00:04:35] But when it's constantly being pointed out by different people and, you know, people just don't buy it for whatever reason, it can be really frustrating because it feeds into other insecurities.

[00:04:48] As others try to delegitimize your belonging sometimes, not everybody does this obviously. But eventually it can start to feel like you don't fit in and you can feel quite marginalized and you can feel otherd.

[00:05:03] Meaning people will just either straight up tell you that you don't fit in here, you're not from around here, you know, you're not welcome here.

[00:05:11] Or it'll be more subtle in certain ways like ways people treat you versus how they treat other people from the same place.

[00:05:18] And I believe other leads to another very common internal struggle and that is the feeling of not enough because you belong to multiple cultures and presumably you've grown up across different cultures.

[00:05:30] You might not have a very strong grasp over any one of those cultures, at least not a strong as someone who was born and raised in that one place and was never exposed to other cultures.

[00:05:42] So eventually you can start to feel like a bit of a fraud.

[00:05:46] This can lead to identity confusion, you might struggle to define your identity who you are what you stand for and you might start to feel like you don't belong to any one of these cultures that you are from.

[00:05:57] As you can imagine, this can be quite lonely alienating and this can even exist vis-a-vis your own family members.

[00:06:05] So if you were born and raised across different cultures but your parents weren't they were born and raised in one place.

[00:06:12] But they've moved as an adult for example, you're different than your parents because when we move as children or teenagers or infants in our formative years, cultures influence us differently.

[00:06:24] Then when we move as adults. So you might have parents that don't understand your struggles, you might have siblings who haven't traveled as much or been exposed to as many cultures in their formative years and it can be a real struggle because you're very own nuclear family not to mention your extended family as well.

[00:06:44] Might not understand the struggles that you're going through with balancing these different cultures trying to understand where you fit into all this.

[00:06:54] Another common struggle that a lot of cross-cultural people experience is this perpetual longing, this sense of nostalgia for a time that was that oftentimes it's not even something that you've experienced yourself.

[00:07:10] It's more of fabricated idea that you have based on stories that other people have shared with you, of a given time or place or certain element of your culture maybe before a major shift.

[00:07:25] And again it's not really based on anything that you've experienced yourself.

[00:07:31] For example, I know a lot of Egyptians feel the sway about Egypt when it was still a monarchy and many of the people I discussed this with did not experience Egypt as a monarchy because that was prior to the 50s basically.

[00:07:46] Egypt changed from a monarchy to a republic in 1952.

[00:07:51] And still there's this common sense of romanticizing the past that we all collectively kind of partake in even though many of us didn't experience it.

[00:08:01] It's mostly based on stories passed down from generations to generation.

[00:08:05] So this perpetual longing and the sense of nostalgia of a time that once was that no longer is is quite common I would say, especially amongst cross-cultural people.

[00:08:17] Another common thing that cross-cultural people experience is conflicting feelings about your home country, air-culture around home country.

[00:08:27] And admitting this comes with a lot of shame.

[00:08:30] I think that's why a lot of people keep these thoughts and feelings to themselves, maybe they share them with us, elect few people who they suspect feel the same way.

[00:08:40] When you've experienced different cultures, you've been able to live through different circumstances and systems and communities.

[00:08:51] And subconsciously or consciously you end up comparing the places and experiences that you've had.

[00:08:58] Sometimes that leads to you becoming quite critical or extra critical of the place or places that you come from.

[00:09:06] You might become more frustrated than the norm with certain things in your home country, because now that you've experienced other systems and other ways of being and other cultures,

[00:09:16] it can be difficult to go back to your home country, a lot of people actually experience reverse culture shock.

[00:09:24] But these feelings are quite difficult to put into words, because you don't want to come off a certain way.

[00:09:30] You don't want to come off as, oh hey I have this experience and it sounds like you're bragging or it sounds like you're arrogant.

[00:09:36] You don't want to come off as a know-it-all.

[00:09:38] But you've just experienced different things and you've lived through different experiences.

[00:09:45] And therefore, you might not agree with everything that your home country does or, you know, just the status quo, let's say, of the places that you come from.

[00:09:54] Sometimes when your cultures have quite different values, you can feel like your loyalty is divided between those cultures.

[00:10:03] And this is a wet and if kind of situation, because it's not always a given that your cultures are starkly different.

[00:10:11] But if they are, it's a confusing place to be at.

[00:10:15] I personally know a lot of people who were born and raised between East and West.

[00:10:20] And this split loyalty that you might have between the places that you come from and the cultures that you belong to can lead to a lot of confusion, that's a given.

[00:10:29] But it can also lead to difficulty in making decisions.

[00:10:33] And in turn, that can develop into anxiety over how you act, how you present yourself, how you portray your cultures and it even goes down to your personal values.

[00:10:47] It's not because you are a part of a culture, it's not because you belong to a certain culture that you necessarily share all the values of that culture in place.

[00:10:54] So I think there's a lot to be said about cultural clashes and how when you're kind of stuck between two cultures, I don't think stuck is the right term here.

[00:11:07] But when you exist between different cultures, you might have a fear of letting certain people down.

[00:11:13] Those people can be family, they can be your parents, it can be people from your lineage, your ancestors.

[00:11:22] You know, there's a fear of deceiving or disappointing a parent or or siblings sometimes, and it can be really difficult to maneuver and navigate different cultural expectations.

[00:11:35] And that's almost a given when you are in betweenish.

[00:11:39] When you exist between different cultures, you're going to have to find a way to navigate but it doesn't mean it's easy.

[00:11:46] And it doesn't necessarily get easier with time either because expectations change as you progress through different stages of life.

[00:11:56] Eventually all this leads to a lot of questioning of where you belong and even like the depth of belonging to every culture.

[00:12:07] So if we go back to the boxes that people like to categorize us into and you know in betweenish people don't fit neatly into boxes, it's kind of like asking yourself, well, how much of this culture colors my box if that makes sense.

[00:12:26] To me in my experience and this definitely isn't the same for everyone, but I think belonging to different cultures at once can lead to.

[00:12:35] A lack of stability feeling rooted can be a lot harder than if you were monocultural for example.

[00:12:43] And this conflicted sense of belonging leaves you in a state of confusion.

[00:12:47] Confusion is kind of like a common thread in this conversation, but it's not all gloom and doom.

[00:12:54] There are also many blessings that come with being cross cultural and being in betweenish.

[00:13:00] I also want to point out some of these points because I think it would be a disservice to us not to point these out.

[00:13:09] Hey guys, let me take a second to tell you about the quest newsletter where we explore the crossroads of multiple belongings.

[00:13:16] Every month I'll ask you a question to ponder over.

[00:13:19] Give you an exercise to deepen your cultural connection, share some entertainment, where education meets entertainment on cross cultural living and introduce you to a few new words to add to your library.

[00:13:30] Basically, I set out a quest and you have a month to learn out on it before you get the next one in your inbox.

[00:13:36] The link to subscribe is on our website or in the show notes below.

[00:13:43] In my eyes, one of the biggest blessings of being cross cultural is this ability to code twitch.

[00:13:51] A lot of times this happens subconsciously, you're not even aware of it.

[00:13:54] It's almost like second nature to you at this point.

[00:13:57] So what is code twitching?

[00:13:59] Code twitching is when you switch between different cultural codes, such as languages, behaviors, customs, even the way you dress and present yourself.

[00:14:11] And all of these switches kind of depend on the context and the situation that presents itself.

[00:14:16] I know a lot of people kind of have a bone to pick with code twitching.

[00:14:20] They see it as an extra effort and you shouldn't have to do it and it takes away from being your authentic self, whatever that may be to you.

[00:14:27] But I kind of disagree with that. I think code twitching is a beautiful thing.

[00:14:32] It shows that you are accommodating of different cultures and you understand different cultures.

[00:14:39] Honestly, I think it's a skill to be able to pick up on different social and cultural cues and to be able to adapt to the situation.

[00:14:48] It can also lead to bridging the gap between different cultures.

[00:14:51] Sometimes in a very literal sense, as you can translate certain things across different languages.

[00:14:56] But cross cultural communication goes beyond just translating of languages.

[00:15:01] You can make other people feel more comfortable even if they're not exactly from your culture.

[00:15:08] For example, I'm Brazilian Egyptian and in being Brazilian, I can relate to and understand certain cultural codes of other South American cultures because Latinos have a lot in common.

[00:15:20] And likewise, in my Egyptian side, I can understand and accommodate across different Arab cultures because they also have a lot in common.

[00:15:32] So it's not particular just to my Brazilian and Egyptian cultures, but also the cluster of cultures that my cultures belong to if that makes sense.

[00:15:41] But in saying that I'm also going to quickly follow it up with saying that cross cultural communication can be a bit of a double edge sword sometimes.

[00:15:53] Actually, I don't think that's the right expression, but basically it can be wonderful to be able to communicate with people from different cultures and bridge the gap.

[00:16:02] But it can also lead to, you know, miscommunication cross culturally across languages.

[00:16:09] And it can also make for quite a few embarrassing moments because you might just make a full lot of yourself sometimes and you assume something is the same when it's really quite different.

[00:16:19] I'm sure you've seen many of these on social media, but this is a common mistake.

[00:16:23] I made quite a few times when I was living in France and this boils down to cross cultural communication breaking down.

[00:16:33] I guess excited and English means you're excited, you know, you're looking forward to something you are exuberant, you are, you know excited.

[00:16:43] It means you're anticipating something, it's not of a sexual nature at all.

[00:16:49] But excited in French or XCT for some reason this means horny and yeah, that's kind of put me in a few awkward situations in my life where I distinctly remember telling my boss I was very excited to work on a project and they kind of looked at me like, okay.

[00:17:12] TMI, please keep that information to yourself and why is design exciting you that way.

[00:17:21] So yeah, cross cultural communication can be tricky to maneuver and this one is particularly confusing because it's the exact same word written the same way so it's just really, it really sucks with you.

[00:17:34] And I and I know I'm not the only one who would sometimes struggle with these very simple words that just don't quite translate with the same meaning it's more nuanced and those nuances are important.

[00:17:49] But anyways, moving on from embarrassing language movements.

[00:17:53] I think being cross cultural and understanding and belonging to different cultures can lead to a more nuanced world view.

[00:18:01] Again, this isn't the case for everyone but what I've noticed is that a lot of times being cross cultural you don't see the world in black and white it's not like this is right and this is wrong.

[00:18:13] And it's very like categorical I think when you're in between us, you tend to see the world in a spectrum of gray and I may be a little bit biased here but I think being cross cultural leads to interesting conversations balancing and partaking in different cultural traditions kind of forces you to eventually design your own cultural toolkit.

[00:18:33] I think it's a great exercise for personal growth regardless of being in between us or not but when you are in between us, you're kind of catapulted into this world and of course it doesn't come without its troubles obviously the common thread here is confusion.

[00:18:49] But this confusion leads to questioning and this questioning eventually hopefully leads to some answers because you can't just be perpetually torn between two places.

[00:18:59] Eventually, you will have to decide your values and it's great that this culture may have the set of values and that culture has that set of values but what are you going to use to make up the rules of your own life.

[00:19:12] Oftentimes being in between us also means having friends and family kind of scattered across the globe and it gives you a perfect opportunity to travel, to visit, to experience and be exposed to more cultures and to more diversity.

[00:19:27] And that's another big one in my observation of cross cultural people I think you kind of you can't help it but you end up somehow embracing diversity and you appreciate the diversity and you respect and understand that differences and values and beliefs and customs around the world is kind of normal and there isn't necessarily a writer wrong.

[00:19:49] I also think that if you are a cross cultural kid it's probably easier to relocate if you have to as an adult.

[00:19:56] I mean, if you have to or if you want to people don't really relocate because they have to.

[00:20:01] I think because you've been exposed to changes and challenges at a young age during your formative years, it can be easier when you're faced with a big change again later in life.

[00:20:12] And you know you'll be okay because you kind of know the drill it's not your first rodeo and you're like, you know what I got this I know how to do this and even though it's hard it is hard moving is hard adapting to changes is hard but you know you'll make it through.

[00:20:31] At the heart of it though, I will say that not all cultures react positively to people who are diverse and come from different backgrounds.

[00:20:39] A lot of societies are skeptical of people who are mixed and they're seen as.

[00:20:46] I hate to see this but they're seen as not pure.

[00:20:50] I don't share at this point of view at all but I'm keenly aware of it because I have been made to feel the sway for a very long time.

[00:21:00] But we're not talking about the burdens here, we're talking about the blessings and in my by-sapinion I think it's really cool to belong to different cultures all at once.

[00:21:08] And I think it allows you to shift, blend, bend and fit into different contexts and cultures and places.

[00:21:16] But that doesn't necessarily translate into the feeling of belonging.

[00:21:21] When you belong to different cultures there are deep underlying beliefs and values that may be clashing with one another.

[00:21:28] Most of the time if not all of the time and because most people around you probably don't belong to these same set of cultures they can't really understand your inner and outer battles that you face on a daily basis.

[00:21:42] One of the things I've come to learn over the years is that oftentimes how we feel about a certain culture that we belong to also reflects how that culture made us feel at some point in time.

[00:21:53] There's a correlation there.

[00:21:56] And how we relate to our cultures, how we feel about the cultures that we belong to also changes over time as our relationships to people from those places changes as well.

[00:22:07] For example, if you had a partner from a certain culture and you suffered a terrible heartbreak, then that culture may be a little bit teated for you or shrouded with negativity.

[00:22:18] At least for a while while you heal.

[00:22:20] And if you become estranged from certain family members that are more closely aligned with one of your cultures, the elements of that culture sometimes it's a place where a language or certain rituals that you practice with your family can feel like a painful reminder of those difficult times.

[00:22:38] To me, in my lived experience and in my understanding of it, culture is so intricately tied to the people we know and the people we love that it can be hard to separate the two sometimes.

[00:22:51] I'll leave you with a quote by Edward Twitchell Hall.

[00:22:54] I hope I said that correctly.

[00:22:57] He was an American anthropologist and a cross cultural researcher and he said,

[00:23:01] culture hides much more than it reveals and strangely enough, what it hides it hides most effectively from its own participants.

[00:23:11] So that's it for today guys. Thanks for tuning in.

[00:23:14] I hope this, I'm really sorry about, I'm really sorry about the meals that you might hear or the bell you might hear in the background.

[00:23:21] That is Bob, my friends Kat who I am, Cal sitting at the moment.

[00:23:26] He really wanted to be a part of this.

[00:23:28] I hope this sheds some light on some of the struggles and some of the blessings that come with the union betweenish.

[00:23:34] I'm sure there's so much more than I didn't cover because this is a very complex subject after all.

[00:23:39] But like I said, I'm no expert. This is just my lived experience.

[00:23:43] But do feel free to reach out to me if you want to share more of your personal experience or add to this conversation.

[00:23:49] I'd love to hear from you.

[00:23:51] If you want to subscribe to our newsletter, the link is in the show notes below.

[00:23:54] Tell a friend to tell a friend.

[00:23:56] The in-betweenish part is created and hosted by Beatrice Moore.

[00:24:00] Original music is composed and produced by Manlick and Miss CD.

[00:24:03] Thanks for tuning in, in-betweenish signing off. See you guys next time.